How to decide where to live
This has been a very popular topic over here at Decision Coach HQ recently!
Choosing whether to move to a new place (and the subsequent decision, which new place) can be truly excruciating. It feels so permanent, it costs so much, and it’s so very stressful.
There are a million articles out there about how moving is, after losing a loved one and losing a job, the most stressful thing that happens in a person’s life. I don’t know if that’s true, but I was really surprised, the last time I moved, at how hard it was. And that was AFTER the decision of where to go was made!
Recently, I’ve been hearing especially frequently from couples with kids, trying to decide whether to move from where they’re living to a new place—or an old place, like a hometown. They’ve been in limbo for years—not fully embedding themselves in the place where they live, not going all in on building community and making friends, because there’s always been the thought in the back of their minds, “Well, we might not be living here next year, what’s the point?”
That kind of one-foot-out-the-door situation is exhausting. Your life where you are suffers, because you’re not fully committing. And your brain gets tired after going in circles for months or years, spending countless hours of your life on Zillow, talking over the decision with parents who are hoping you’ll move home or with friends who are hoping you’ll stay put.
So.
Maybe you have a job offer that requires a move. Maybe you have aging family members you want to spend more time with. Maybe you’ve always dreamed of living out in nature and your weekly trips to the local park just aren’t cutting it.
Here are some of the most common questions I get about moving, and my advice:
1) Should I move somewhere I have never been before?
While I personally love the idea of moving somewhere I’ve never been and have in fact done this when moving to Vietnam (lived there for four years), Uruguay (nine years), and Switzerland (1.5 years and counting), this is very explicitly NOT FOR EVERYONE. In fact, I’ve found that most people who come to me with a list of places they’re considering have a few places they’ve never visited on the list…and those are usually the first choices we eliminate. Very few people are going to move somewhere sight unseen, with no community or job lined up. (If you, like me, enjoy this sort of thing, then you probably don’t need my help.)
2) Should I go somewhere I don’t want to live for my dream job?
This is a tough question to answer, particularly in These Trying Economic Times (TM), but I would usually say no. It depends a little on the job and whether it’s absolutely guaranteed going to help you, for example, get back to somewhere you DO want to live with a better CV and lots more money. But in general, unless you’re desperate, I’ve found that living in a place that’s really misaligned with your preferences is a Very Bad Idea (TM), even if the job is a great one.
Misalignment can look like:
Living in a place with no sidewalks, where you have to drive everywhere, when you love walkable cities and being outside
Not sharing political values with the people who live in this town/city
You adore a diversity of cuisine and trying new restaurants, and this place’s most exciting dining option is a Taco Bell
Also, there’s no such thing as a dream job.
3) Should I move somewhere I’ve always wanted to live, if I don’t know anyone there?
Let me share something I’ve learned from the sessions I’ve done in the last few years. Almost everyone is lonely, even just a little bit. Very few of us are spending enough time with adults we don’t live with, or are doing fun things with non-family-members. We’re all too isolated right now and have been for a while. Every single time I help someone with a decision, I ask about community, even if it doesn’t seem relevant. And I’ve concluded that, for most people, working on building your community IRL is the number one thing you could do to increase your quality of life RIGHT NOW.
If you’re a serious introvert, then by all means move some place where you don’t know anyone. If you’re a serious extrovert, do the same—you’ll make friends anywhere. But if you’re in between, like most of us, then moving somewhere and starting to build community from nothing is a heavy lift. People make the place, people!
And here is a piece of moving advice I give all the time and it’s pretty ingenious if I do say so myself…
Schedule social things before you get there!
A month before you move, get on the ol’ internet and find two to three things you think you might enjoy doing in the new place. A ceramics class. A running club meet-up. A pop-up store event. A “dads and babies” story time at the library. Book those things before you move, and put them on the calendar for the first week in your new place.
What we’re trying to avoid here is you spending the first weeks in your new location unpacking, getting “settled in,” and going to IKEA. Then you finally empty that last box and look around and feel lonely with nothing to do—and also panicked at the idea of starting from scratch. I’d much rather see some boxes remain unpacked for a little longer because “whoops, it’s Tuesday and I have that Korean cooking class I signed up for!” It’s a very easy way to start embedding yourself in your new environment, and you’ll be glad you did it.